1. DON’T take selfies
You saw this one coming. You knew it’d be here, which is why we’re attacking it first. No thanks to the CDC, the selfie has spread its plague of narcissism, its vile self-centered, soul-diseased scourge against humanity across every nook & cranny of First World Americana… and, unfortunately, this includes the once-private sanctuaries of our locker-rooms.
Our Advice: Don’t take selfies anywhere, but especially don’t take selfies in the locker-room. Our naked glory never asked to be part of your self-worshipping snapshots.
2. DON’T bend over directly next to someone
Unlike the selfie, the “bend over” is a necessary aspect of everyday life—especially when it comes to getting dressed. You bend over to pull up your pants, put on your socks, tie your shoes, pick up the Princess Leia figurine that accidentally fell out of my, uh, I mean your pocket (YOU DON’T KNOW ME).
But beware your surroundings: An ill-timed “bend over” can lead to an uncomfortably intimate rub with your neighbor or worse… *shivers*
3. DON’T “Do the Captain Morgan”
Ironically, we’re not referring to Captain Morgan’s rum. We’re not here to judge you for taking shots before a workout, but it’d be irresponsible of us not to warn you against “Doing the Captain Morgan” in the locker-room.
Anywhere else, “Doing the Captain Morgan” can be a powerful reminder that you’re the Alpha of a group—plus it’s a great way to “air things out.” However, in the locker-room, it only provides an unwelcome display of your man junk (or lady taint). Just don’t do it.
4. DON’T shave in the Steam Room
Believe it or not, this is a thing. And for those unfamiliar with this thing, you might actually do it after we explain it:
The Steam Room does wonders for the skin—it moisturizes, detoxifies, nourishes… it opens pores, allowing your razor to run silky smooth over your neck beard. Awesome news for the razor burn victim. Shit news for everyone else. Some gyms allow this, but most don’t (and with good reason). No man wants to sit bare ass in another man’s goopy whiskers.
5. DON’T mistake the hand towels for shower towels
This is less of a command than it is a friendly reminder: Be aware of how you cover up.
It comes down to proper etiquette, “Cover up when you can.” Many adhere to this tenet, others outright ignore it. But some unwittingly fail to cover their goodness due to the classic conundrum: Discerning the hand towels from the shower towels.
Don’t be a fool, cover your tool.
6. DON’T hold serious phone calls
Dog just died? Bummer, dawg.
Expelled from school? That sucks, dummy.
Relative in the hospital? Bad news, brother.
We’ll muster what sympathy we can, but, dammit, man. Don’t inconvenience our ears with your groveling snivels. I mean, it’s Leg Day for shit’s sake… We have enough to worry about.
7. DON’T use the hand-dryer for your pits and/or crotch
We understand you’re in a hurry and you’re trying to avoid the sticky deodorant mud that results from mixing deo with wet pits. But the public hand-dryer is sacred, man. If you’re going to use it, then it better be for the hairs on your head.
Needless to say, don’t use it on your ass either.
8. DON’T funk up the toilet seats
Here’s the Golden Rule that applies to every public restroom: Do unto the toilet seat as you’d have the toilet seat do unto you.
Would you like it if a toilet seat pissed, shit, and/or rubbed its sweaty ass all over you? We really hope not. Given the nature of exercise and its effects on the body, the gym’s toilet seats are especially at risk of unclean funkery. In respect of the toilet seat and everyone who uses it, keep it clean.
9. DON’T stare
Of course, don’t stare at other peoples’ privates. That’s basic human decency. But what we mean here is exactly what we said: Don’t stare.
There’s an unspoken agreement that everyone must relinquish all psychotic behavior at the locker-room entrance. Essentially, we’re relying on unwarranted trust to be naked & exposed in such close quarters. So, if you’re just standing there staring at whatever—peoples’ privates, your privates, the inside of your locker, an empty corner, your pocketknife keychain—you’re shooting up some major RED FLAGS. It’s just… it’s just creepy. *shivers*
10. DON’T linger
We’ll end with perhaps the most important point: Get in, get out.
Not only does it tie in with the last point (don’t be creepy), but it ensures that you’re not allowing yourself the time to take selfies, “Do the Captain Morgan,” hand-dry your crotch, or make a general fool of yourself. You’re not at the gym to make friends. You’re there to get BIG, yo.
You can make friends at the arcade or the country fair or wherever the hell it is that you kids hang out these days.